In the lead-up to the holidays, many find themselves overwhelmed by the idea that the season must be "perfect." There is often a perceived pressure to be the most helpful family member, the most social guest, and the most thoughtful gift-giver. However, for those struggling with social anxiety, this pressure can transform the holidays from a celebration into an exhausting performance.

The urge to "do it all" often comes at a steep cost: the ability to actually be present.

Why People Overcommit to "Perfection"

Much like in the workplace, it can be easy to say “yes” to holiday invitations or extra responsibilities out of fear. This might include a fear of being judged by relatives, being seen as "the difficult one," or a fear that showing up imperfectly means failing the people they love. These fears are often driven by unhelpful core beliefs, such as:

• “I have to be 'on' the whole time for people to like me.”
• “If I leave early, they’ll think I don’t care.”

These thoughts trigger a cycle of anxiety and guilt. To escape that discomfort, individuals may either overextend themselves—leading to burnout—or avoid events entirely. Neither of these options allows for a meaningful enjoyment of the season.

The Power of Lowering the Bar

Lowering the bar isn’t about giving up; it is about setting healthy boundaries and utilizing systematic exposure. In CBT, it is taught that taking on the most difficult social situations all at once isn’t necessary. By "lowering the bar" to a manageable level, the brain can acclimate to the environment without becoming overwhelmed.

How to Be Present (Not Perfect)

- Practice Assertive Scheduling: There is no need to apologize for personal limits. Expressing your needs clearly is a sign of health, not a lack of holiday spirit.

• Example: “I’d love to come for dinner, but I’ll be heading out by 8:00 to recharge.”

- Challenge "Social Perfectionistic" Thoughts: When the urge to perform arises, it is helpful to ask: What evidence is there that the family requires perfection? What is a more balanced view of this gathering?

- Prioritize Presence Over Duration: staying for one hour while feeling regulated and engaged is far more meaningful than staying for five hours while feeling anxious and resentful.

- Practice Self-Compassion: A person’s worth is not tied to the number of parties attended or the "perfection" of their hosting. Protecting mental health is what makes the holiday experience sustainable.

Success during the season is not measured by the length of time spent at a party or the number of tasks completed, but by the ability to engage in a way that feels authentic and manageable. When the focus shifts from "performing" to "existing," the holidays can finally become a time of genuine connection rather than a source of chronic stress.If the holiday season feels like a minefield of social pressure and anxiety, no one has to navigate it alone. At Pacific CBT, individuals are supported with evidence-based tools to challenge unhelpful thoughts, manage holiday stress, and reclaim their time.

Our therapists at Pacific CBT are here to help! Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute video consultation and learn how to lower the bar to finally be present.

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