The holiday table is supposed to be a place for connection, but for many with social anxiety, it feels more like an audition stage where everyone is silently judging your performance. You might catch yourself thinking, “They think I look awkward,” or “They feel sorry for me because I’m single/quiet/unemployed.”
These thoughts aren't facts; they are cognitive distortions—unhelpful thinking patterns that fuel anxiety. During the holidays, specific distortions like Mind Reading and Fortune Telling jump to the forefront, predicting negative social outcomes.
Learning to identify and challenge these internal judgments is the most powerful skill you can take to your next gathering.
Mind Reading is the belief that you know what someone else is thinking about you, usually something negative, without any evidence rooted in truth.
- The Anxious Thought: “My cousin keeps glancing at me. She must be thinking I look tense and uncomfortable.”
- The Challenge (Finding the Evidence): What proof do you have? Could she be looking past you? Could she be looking at your new necklace? Could she be thinking about what she needs to do tomorrow?
- The Reframe (The Middle Ground): “I don’t know what she’s thinking, and her thoughts are not my responsibility. I can focus on my own breathing.”
Fortune Telling is predicting that things will turn out badly, convincing yourself that your prediction is an already established fact.
- The Anxious Thought: “If I join the conversation, I’ll stutter, everyone will notice, and the rest of the evening will be ruined.”
- The Challenge (Decatastrophizing): What is the worst-case outcome, and how likely is it? Even if you stumble over a word, will the entire evening be ruined? What would a friend do if they saw you stutter?
- The Reframe (The Realistic Outcome): “It’s possible I might stumble, but people usually focus on the content, not the delivery. If I get stuck, I’ll take a sip of water and try again.”
When you feel social anxiety rising, use this simple internal check-in to pull yourself out of the distortion and back into reality:
1. Name It: Acknowledge the rising feeling and the thought. “I am anxious right now because I am Mind Reading that my uncle is bored with me.”
2. Externalize It (Look Outward): Shift your attention from your internal discomfort to your external environment. Force yourself to notice three things around you that have nothing to do with you. “The wallpaper is blue, the cranberry sauce is in a square dish, and the dog is asleep.”
3. Action Plan (Smallest Step): Commit to the very next small, manageable action that is not escaping. This could be making eye contact with one person, asking a simple question, or taking a slow sip of water. “I will ask the person next to me if they enjoyed the appetizer.”
By consistently practicing this 3 step check-in, you train your brain to stop listening to the distortions and start engaging with the present moment, which is the fastest way to reduce social anxiety. A mental health professional can also help with changing habitual negative thought patterns such as mind reading and fortune telling distortions. Our therapists at Pacific CBT are here to help! Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute video consultation.
Rudairo Segbeaya is a Board Certified Behavior Analyst and Pacific CBT’s Office Manager. Rudairo received a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from the University of San Francisco in 2018. In 2021, she later received a Master’s degree in Special Education with an emphasis in Applied Behavior Analysis from Arizona State University.
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