While we naturally recognize the suffering of others, our internal response to our own pain is often much more complicated. The positive emotion characterized by being kind, caring, and thoughtful is known as compassion, which triggers an instinctual willingness to help relieve as much suffering as possible. According to research by Dr. Kristin Neff, compassion for self and for others is the same. Why is it, then, that when we become aware of our own suffering, treating ourselves with that same kindness seems so different? 

When struggling, we tend to attach to self-criticism instead of self-compassion. We stay attached to this criticism often in the form of cognitive distortions because it gives us a false sense of control. This control lies within the illusion that everything should go perfect. For example, thinking "I shouldn't have failed" gives us the comforting but false belief that we have the ability to never fail. To see this clearly, it helps to write down the negative self- evaluations you say to yourself on a bad day.

There are three components of self-compassion to be mindful of when offering this same care towards ourselves:

Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment

Treating yourself with care and understanding is easier said than done. When suffering, our initial instinct is to judge the actions that led to your shortcomings. The key is to view these “shortcomings” through a lens of awareness. Self-compassion determines what is best for you because, ultimately, we don’t want to suffer. In this way, self-compassion acts as a motivator rather than a deterrent.

Being aware that suffering exists and then choosing to sit in that difficult space is at the root definition of compassion’s Latin roots. When ready to relieve the suffering, focus on what will make you feel as good as possible. Adding more pleasurable activities to your day or even scheduling your day to boost your mood can help.

Community vs. Isolation:

‍When things go wrong, we tend to feel isolated within our shortcomings. This feeling of isolation can make us feel afraid and especially vulnerable. It is important to remember life is imperfect and we are too. Coming to the realization that you are not alone in your suffering can increase the likelihood of you acting in a compassionate way to yourself. Accepting that our experience is a part of a larger human experience helps us bridge that gap.

Mindfulness vs. Over-identification

We must be aware of our suffering to give ourselves kindness, but there are psychological mechanisms we should avoid. Instinctively, we go straight into problem-solving mode. When we practice mindfulness and self-reflect, we can see what we actually need rather than just focusing on fixing the problem. We must first acknowledge and validate how difficult the situation truly is.

Transitioning from a habit of self-criticism to one of self-compassion is not about lowering your standards; it is about acknowledging your humanity. By balancing self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, you bridge the gap between how you treat a loved one and how you treat yourself.

Ultimately, self-compassion allows us to stop fighting against our lived experiences and start working with them. When we let go of the illusion of perfection and the safety of self-judgment, we find a more sustainable form of motivation—one rooted in care rather than fear. By treating your own suffering with the same validity you offer the rest of the world, you don't just survive your difficult days; you develop the resilience to navigate them with grace.

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References: 

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.